At this point in time I am still at home with my husband. He has taken a strong interest in attempting to save and work on the marriage. He has gone so far as to sign up for a marriage counseling class online. Hubby has forwarded each workshop/email to me. There are some very interesting and valid points that have been made in reading those emails and I can see us in quite of few of those situations.
But it is back to the question of how am I handling it all. I am day by day. There are days that I think what we have in life is worth it and I should make the necessary attempts. The following is a quote from one of these "seminars"...
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous
experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You
can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it
day in and day out. That's why we have the
expression "the labor of love." Because it takes
time, effort, and energy. And most importantly,
it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to
make your marriage work.
Hubby is trying, making a real effort and here I sit feeling sort of angry and resentful. I think I need some counseling to help me get a better grip on what I am feeling. But do I owe it to him, the children and the sake of the marriage to stop feeling mad, depressed and hopeless? I need to step out of my little box and look at myself and realize my life is not so bad. Where do I want to be in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.
It is good to know that I am not the only person out there that feels these emotions. I truly appreciate the comments and advice. It helps more than any of you know!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Happy New Year!!
Happy New Year to all my friends that check in on me from time to time.
I have been busy with this new job now since I have been here. I am back to that daily stressful grind and it leaves a horrible distaste in my mouth. I think its a new year with some new starts but I have the same old issues plaguing me. The career has not been that easy to change, at all. I came back to what I know best but not sure I care enough about any longer to be the best. I have become lazy and complacent and I really detest that. So I will be striving to just suck it up and be the best at what I do and hope that someone notices and it pays off somewhere, someplace, somehow.
My marriage has been in limbo now for over a year. I had tried and tried and when I was ready to throw in the towel, he started making these amazing gestures. Gestures that were never made in the past 16 years. Attempts to keep me and be sincere about it now that he realizes he is on the verge of losing me. I am in the toughest spot I have ever been in. I am not sure if I have it in me to give in and stay or move on and start anew. Everyone I have talked to says that if he is willing to try and the changes he is making are sticking for more than a week then I should give the marriage a chance.
I also have come to realize that there is this possibility of there being more than one person out there for each of us. I have attempted to not have outside influences affect my judgment in my marriage. But sometimes it is so hard to not look at that greener grass. Wonder what could be, how would things be different with another person.
I can honestly say that the best thing in my life right now is my children. I am putting them first for the most part and trying not to be selfish this year of my midlife worries. I love my children and want them to be happy, so staying and trying in the marriage is what I have been doing the last month. But my heart has not truly been in it.
So this blog has come full circle. I believe I named this blog talking to myself partly because that is how my husband used to make me feel. I needed an outlet, a place to vent. Blogging helped me for awhile and I found a wonderful outlet. But here I am back to the same point and beyond when I first started here. I have some decisions to make and hope that I make the correct ones.
Boy when I post an update, do I post an update!
I have been busy with this new job now since I have been here. I am back to that daily stressful grind and it leaves a horrible distaste in my mouth. I think its a new year with some new starts but I have the same old issues plaguing me. The career has not been that easy to change, at all. I came back to what I know best but not sure I care enough about any longer to be the best. I have become lazy and complacent and I really detest that. So I will be striving to just suck it up and be the best at what I do and hope that someone notices and it pays off somewhere, someplace, somehow.
My marriage has been in limbo now for over a year. I had tried and tried and when I was ready to throw in the towel, he started making these amazing gestures. Gestures that were never made in the past 16 years. Attempts to keep me and be sincere about it now that he realizes he is on the verge of losing me. I am in the toughest spot I have ever been in. I am not sure if I have it in me to give in and stay or move on and start anew. Everyone I have talked to says that if he is willing to try and the changes he is making are sticking for more than a week then I should give the marriage a chance.
I also have come to realize that there is this possibility of there being more than one person out there for each of us. I have attempted to not have outside influences affect my judgment in my marriage. But sometimes it is so hard to not look at that greener grass. Wonder what could be, how would things be different with another person.
I can honestly say that the best thing in my life right now is my children. I am putting them first for the most part and trying not to be selfish this year of my midlife worries. I love my children and want them to be happy, so staying and trying in the marriage is what I have been doing the last month. But my heart has not truly been in it.
So this blog has come full circle. I believe I named this blog talking to myself partly because that is how my husband used to make me feel. I needed an outlet, a place to vent. Blogging helped me for awhile and I found a wonderful outlet. But here I am back to the same point and beyond when I first started here. I have some decisions to make and hope that I make the correct ones.
Boy when I post an update, do I post an update!
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