Happy New Year to all my friends that check in on me from time to time.
I have been busy with this new job now since I have been here. I am back to that daily stressful grind and it leaves a horrible distaste in my mouth. I think its a new year with some new starts but I have the same old issues plaguing me. The career has not been that easy to change, at all. I came back to what I know best but not sure I care enough about any longer to be the best. I have become lazy and complacent and I really detest that. So I will be striving to just suck it up and be the best at what I do and hope that someone notices and it pays off somewhere, someplace, somehow.
My marriage has been in limbo now for over a year. I had tried and tried and when I was ready to throw in the towel, he started making these amazing gestures. Gestures that were never made in the past 16 years. Attempts to keep me and be sincere about it now that he realizes he is on the verge of losing me. I am in the toughest spot I have ever been in. I am not sure if I have it in me to give in and stay or move on and start anew. Everyone I have talked to says that if he is willing to try and the changes he is making are sticking for more than a week then I should give the marriage a chance.
I also have come to realize that there is this possibility of there being more than one person out there for each of us. I have attempted to not have outside influences affect my judgment in my marriage. But sometimes it is so hard to not look at that greener grass. Wonder what could be, how would things be different with another person.
I can honestly say that the best thing in my life right now is my children. I am putting them first for the most part and trying not to be selfish this year of my midlife worries. I love my children and want them to be happy, so staying and trying in the marriage is what I have been doing the last month. But my heart has not truly been in it.
So this blog has come full circle. I believe I named this blog talking to myself partly because that is how my husband used to make me feel. I needed an outlet, a place to vent. Blogging helped me for awhile and I found a wonderful outlet. But here I am back to the same point and beyond when I first started here. I have some decisions to make and hope that I make the correct ones.
Boy when I post an update, do I post an update!
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10 comments:
You aren't kidding Jen, this is a whopper. I can't offer any wisdom at all, but I do hope for the best. It seems that you have made hard decisions in the past and they turned out to work well, as in your job situation. Follow your heart is what comes to mind. Beth at gardeningknitter seems to really have pulled her marriage from the absolute gutter, so there is hope in any relationship in my mind. As long as the love, however dim, is still there.
Happy New Year to you too, Jen! (That was, most certainly, one heck of an update!)
It sounds like it will be a challenging year for you, but you've come so far (for the better) in the past year that I have to believe `07 will be a good one for you. Regardless of which paths you choose to take, know they'll be the right ones because you chose them.
Best of luck to you. (And I hope to see you around more often!)
Hi, Jen! I noticed that you had said you were having marital problems in the past. If he has decided to try to make nice, I guess it's best to see how it plays out in the long run. It's hard to break up a home with children, but, then again, sometimes it has to be done.
My parents never got along, and told us that they stayed together because of us. That was the wrong way to handle it, but I think they were just doing what they knew. Neither one of them knew how to stand on their own 2 feet if they split apart. At least you know you can do it, if you feel the need.
*hugs*, and Happy 2007!
Scott: pearls of wisdom can be hard to come by sometimes. I was vague in my post on purpose. I have a tough choice to make currently and I am truly unsure of myself and the future. As always I appreciate you stopping by and giving a comment.
emily: Thank you hun!! Hugs
silvergirl: staying for the children is only part of it. I have been staying for his sake as well. There is love still present but I am just not sure what direction to take presently. I know what the right thing to do is, but sometimes it is difficult to just make that jump.
Thanks for commenting, it means a great deal!
Good luck, hon. I know it's not easy. Do what is best for you. YOU. {{hug}} and *chocolate kisses*
I think the best thing you can do is listen to that little voice inside yourself that knows exactly when you need and what to do. A lot of advice is just more noise for you to deal with. Either way, good luck to you.
Unless there's abuse, I think where kids involved you have to make a heroic effort to stay together. Beyond that only the two of you know the details.
Jen, Look inside and you'll find the right path. Often, the right one, is the more difficult choice, sometimes the easier one... I've found that making *a* choice is often the most difficult step.
I hope, that whatever you decide, it works out exactly as you see it in your heart!!
I know what you mean only too well, jen. I think when the time is "right" for you to make a change, you'll know, though.
I'm linking you if that's okay (which it better be because by the time you read this, you'll be linked :-) )
Jen, I think everyone who is married (most) come to this point. What I read from your post is that you were done. Then he comes along and tries to change your mind.
I don't know what you should do. But I tell everyone (and my kids) once a person is done - they're done. Then I tell them to realize that and don't wait too long.
Good luck with your decision. It's a tough one.
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